tri season 3

This is my third triathlon season. I literally started from scratch in pretty much three sports a bit over two years ago. So how much has changed?

The first two years were characterised by an ‘uncontrolled’ enthusiasm which, coupled with some bad luck, would only get me in trouble with injuries and set me back. In fact, I recognised this as a weakness early last season, and identified it as something to manage. Maybe I succeeded to a certain extent, but it was a constant fight against what I felt was my spontaneous tendency (doing more). And even though this may sound ‘romantic’ and ‘passionate’, and even though I am one to embrace ego-less progress as much as possible, in all honesty there was probably still a need to prove something. I see this in hindsight as now indeed, this isn’t there so much anymore. Its absence makes me see it more clearly.

I was going through the difficulties of training, the set-backs, and yet always waiting for the ‘time to come’, when ‘I would finally be ready’ to ‘do what everyone else does’ (so much training!), to ‘jump on that train’. And I did jump. And fell off hard, on my face, again and again.

It was only when the last race of the season was finally at stake that I managed to keep my cool and, for the first time, coldly accept where I truly was and work from there. It was hard. I had to talk to my coach and try to make him understand that this was the right way for me. That saying ‘no’ to some sessions was not for fear or lack of confidence, but realism, and that this was the only way to get to the start line healthy and be given a chance to fight as I deserved. It is not easy to go against the current. But it appears that, to recognise a weakness and have the courage to do what you need to address it, only turns it to strength, eventually. And hence I was rewarded with success (meaning for me, a race performance that does justice to my preparation), which was only made more valuable due to this fight. And as a result, its receipt was humble, and full of appreciation of who I had become in the process.

The goals are certainly big this season. But the mind is cool. And it feels in peace. Fully recognising the vulnerability and the risks involved in the ventures. Recognising the necessity to only build this effort one day at a time, with low expectations, not for a lack of confidence, but out of humbleness, for the lesson that has been learnt the hard way: there is so much that has to fall into place to get to those start lines, that it is nothing but ok to try and not make it all at once. And that is not a failure. And that there is nothing to prove. And that I will try again, until I make it, if I feel like it! Because I am also free to not want this anymore.

It brings me peace. Because I feel settled, and not trying to ‘manage myself’ anymore. And this can only be a good foundation for what I am about to lay. No agony, no chasing any train. With all my heart, but gently. Focused, but with softness.

So let’s see what happens.